Hijinks

From Hold My Pocket Productions

Love, Bank robbers, island dwelling jewish gurus and a mystical cup!

Meanwhile, Lenny and his friend Cappy, high as usual, wax philosophical about their plans to create a New Qing Dynasty to rule over the world, based on their unique opiate, Opatco. They strike on the idea they need money, and the only way to get it is to rob a bank. To this end, Lenny goes to his island "stronghold" to plan, while Cappy plans the caper.

After receiving some less than helpful advise, Theo leaves Quinn to his pursuits, and heads to the mall to find some lunch. Sitting sullenly, he is noticed by his friend Tiberius, who rushes across the food court, dodging and jumping across tables and around people to land infront of Theo. Tiberius then takes up a fork in a seemingly murderous rage, only to use it to comb his hair, none of which provokes any reaction beyond a hello from Theo.

Elsewhere, Cappy calls in Ray, his cousin, who is presumably a mobster of some variety. Ray gets the call while at a gas station where he is threatening to set fire to a group of "whiggers" who he took exception to. After dousing them in gasoline and still holding the lighter, he answers his phone and agrees to come help. Without further incident, he leaves the shaken white boys to rethink their life choices.

Theo and Tiberius hit the road on the way back to Theo's place, and head down a side road. Ahead of them, they see a truck with a cup perched on the back bumper as they speed down the road. Tiberius cries out "That cup is defying the laws of Physics! I MUST HAVE IT!" and proceeds to climb out of the car window, across the hood and takes a leap onto the back of the truck. In the cab, the redneck driver realizes someone is after their cup, and dispatches his partner, Roger, to stop Tiberius. The vehicles race down the road, with Theo too focused on sending text messages to Lisa to notice anything is happening. After a short melee, Roger is thrown over the side and Tiberius returns to the car triumphant with the cup. After a single sip, he tosses it away in disgust, complaining it is diet soda.

With the beginnings of a crew, Cappy and Ray visit a pawn shop in search of guns. There they meet Max, an ex-con who works the counter. Without thinking the pair explain their poor plans to Max, who becomes frustrated with their amateurism. He closes the shop, and insists that as a professional criminal, he cannot standby and let them attempt such sloppy work with his merchendise. As such, Max forcably joins in their plans.

Tiberius directs Theo to go see Lenny, citing that whatever else Lenny may be, he still often gives sage advise. The pair make their way to Lenny's island home, and are surprised to see the others already deep in their plans for the robbery. While Tiberius joins in the plan, Lenny and Theo take a walk where Lenny explains his opinions of women with an annecdote:

Lenny describes and incident between his girlfriend Cecilia and himself, all from the perspective of a drawer. Lenny had given her a "marital aid device" which she soon preferred to him. As they argue over coexistence between it and him, Lenny unleashes his secret weapon: The Word. He explains that every woman has a weakness to a certain word that sends them straight into your arms. In his case, that word is Astroturf. Confused and no better off, Theo leaves them to their machinations.

Further down the shore, Roger emerges from the lake in pursuit of Tiberius and the pair engage in another brawl. Max and Ray attempt to outdo eachother on their lists of criminal accomplishments, and Cappy recruits Quinn to help.

After a brief visit with Emmy, Theo's sister, Theo hesitantly consults his father for advice. Sadly, his father recently suffered a mental breakdown causing him to loose his sense of identity. As such, he switches from one ethnic stereotype to another in his ramblings. Emmy intervenes and offers the first sound advice Theo has heard, just give Lisa time, and listen to her.

As the robbery begins, things go quickly awry. Ray is revealed to be a "wannabe-mobster" with no useful skills at all. Max grows too trigger happy and ricochets a shot into Lenny, and Cappy gets too nervous and takes off in the getaway car before their get anywhere. Tiberius is once again attacked by Roger, and the two battle down the streets. Lenny is taken to the hospital, Max disappears, and Quinn consoles Ray by taking him to get some drinks to forget the whole thing.

Not far away, Theo leans against the bridge watching the sunset and contemplates what relationships are about. Right as he gets a call from Lisa, Cappy comes screaming passed, with cops in pursuit, slamming into the bridge and knocking Theo over the edge, falling to his death.

At an impromptu memorial service, the friends reflect on the randomness of life. Tiberius returns, finally having defeated Roger, and the two decide to form a private protection agency. Cappy remains on the run from the police. Quinn and Ray prepare to leave for Vegas to rediscover the joys of life and women. Suddenly, Emmy and Theo show up, Theo complaining he hasn't even been gone a day, and how he washed up a few miles down stream where his father was midnight fly fishing (A the time believing himself to be a surly New England fisherman). The memorial turns out to be for someone else entirely, and the friends crashed the funeral. Lisa and Cecilia arrive, and explain to Theo that the break up was some sort of test. Theo remains utterly confused as Lenny arrives from the hospital, explaining that the bullet nicked one of his -----, which had to be removed, leaving him with only two... Much to everyones worry.

[edit] Characters

Theo - A young man trying to understand why his relationship ended Lisa - Theo's girlfriend, a Musician. Quinn - A supposed ladies man with a Bondian attitude towards life Lenny Grabelski - a Jewish philosipher and opiate enthusiast Cappy - Lenny's high strung partner in crime Ray - Cappy's cousin from Chicago, a mob underling Max - a Pawn shop owning ex-con Tiberius - Theo's best friend, and general anarchist Cecilia - Lenny's girlfriend with bizarre tastes. Emmy - A teacher, and Theo's sister and confidant Mr. V - Theo's ethically confused father, a former NASA employee and Roger - the seemingly unstoppable protector of "The Cup"

[edit] Select Scenes

While driving from the mall, Theo and Tiberius first encounter The Cup:

Tiberius - That cup is defying the laws of physics! I MUST HAVE IT!
Driver - They're tryin' to steal our Cup! Git 'em Roger!

Lenny advises Theo on women:

Lenny - Women love it when you say Astroturf!
Theo - I don't see how...
Lenny - But hey, if that doesn't work, we can win you some sympathy! I know this guy that can saw your legs off!
Theo - No.

Ray explains his paternity to some white punks:

Ray - I AIN'T YOUR BROTHA!

Lenny and Cecilia argue over "marital aids":

Cecilia - Oh come on now, why can't you two just live?
Lenny - Oh yea, I live while your ---- a ---- the size of Long Island!

[edit] Background

Bad Hijinks was one of the first film projects attempted by the previous incarnation of Hold My Pocket Productions. The film featured extensive use of in jokes and parodies of the extremes of various members personalities. Several scenes including the initial encounter with the Cup) are based on actual events. Many drafts of the script were developed over the course of two years, adding and subtracting characters and subplots. The most consistent version of the script formed the basis for this synopsis. Similarly, the title changed repeatedly from draft to draft, although Bad Hijinks became more consistent in later drafts.

While the project is defunct, many elements of the story remain in circulation as inside jokes and may find their way into future film projects.

[edit] Planned Cast

Andrew as Theo
??? as Lisa
Chris as Quinn
David as Lenny
Josh as Cappy
Mike as Ray
Stoll as Max
Robert as Tiberius
Candace as Cecilia
??? as Emmy
Colin as Roger and Mr. V

Legal mumbo-jumbo goes here, along with disclaimers